其实生活的本来面目总是比电视剧更加狰狞，但生活的最终去向却是平淡，真真切切的平淡。感谢那些伤感的美文曾经细致入微地描摹了我们当初细腻的情感轮廓，但当我们历经世事、体味人情、心灵涅槃之后，每个人都会成长为自己生活的哲学家。作者: 影沉 时间: 2013-9-6 21:56
A
This book is such an eye-opener! I just bought it yesterday and have almost done reading it. I've read lots of relationship books and most of them are a combination of psycho-babble and personal opinion. This book is completely different. It's grounded on soundly-based scientific findings and the authors are constantly interlacing their conclusions and advice with experiments and research studies. They also bring a lot of real life examples that are very easy to relate to (a couple of examples are a bit repetitive, but they get the point across really well). The authors walk readers through understanding themselves and their "attachment style" and understanding their partner's "attachment style" -- which drives them, what their basic beliefs are and why they act like they do with you. This book has really shifted the way I think about my relationships and I'm going to use a lot of the tools here to make better decisions going forward. I also loved the part about how when your needs are met, you actually become less needy and more likely to excel in different areas of life. It's just when your needs aren't met that you act clingy. If you want to learn more about what is really going on in your relationship, this book is a must!
B
Answered and raised many questions
By mnsesq
Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase
I felt like I was given the language via this book to pull together and understand what I have experienced my whole life and what perplexed me my whole life. It's like when you are struggling to understand the math equation and then the instant comes when you get it. That was this book, for me.
But I'm frustrated with something. "Attached" says that I, an anxious attachment style person, am more likely to choose a partner who is an avoidant style, that when I do my attachment needs will never be fully satisfied even if both partners are willing to change to some degree as recommended in the book. "Attached" recommends I choose a secure attachment style partner to be happy. It also says that my attachment system will be activated by an avoidant, say on a first date, causing me to be drawn to him, and not activated by a secure person, who will bore me. The recommendation is to not get turned on by the avoidant attachment style person. After all the outstanding explanations and recommendations in the book, I feel it really falls short with that pithy recommendation to just not get turned on by the avoidant! Any anxious person will tell you that's near impossible!
Where's the steps for the anxious person to bypass the immediate and biologically based attachment to the avoidant?! Secures probably have the ability to make a choice in their selection of a partner to a greater degree. If I do as recommended in accepting my attachement style, am I to accept that I'm doomed to be sucked in to a series if unsatisfying relationships with avoidant people? "Attached" does have a helpful section on evaluating anxious/avoidant relationships and improving them and even on getting out of them. The shortfall is in how to make a different choice at those critical moments before getting into the relationship. "Just say no" never really worked.
When the first revision comes out, I hope it includes another chapter.